Over the 25 years of my abusive marriage, I lost all of my ability to dream. I went from being a vivacious, highly intelligent, ambitious young girl to one who believed that she was an abject failure at everything. Nothing I did was "good enough". My confidence was almost zero. Glimmers of hope would shine through when I would accomplish something in my career or had a great "mommy day", but they were quickly snuffed out by snide remarks, intimidating looks and flagrant expressions of degradation. If it did not glorify him, it was not to be.
One of the toughest hurdles I faced after my escape was to reclaim who I was at my core. It took a while to remember that I had a very high IQ and had always been successful at many things. I was good at academics, sports, and a number of creative pursuits. I began to set small goals, then bigger ones to stretch myself. I had aspired for years to go to graduate school, the first step of which was taking the GRE. I studied like crazy and, the day I took the exam, I was downright gleeful. More than anything, it reassured me that there were in fact things I could do. Bearing in mind, every job I had ever had, he had a criticism about it. Every.Single.One.
The day I graduated from the College of Medicine at the University of Illinois - Chicago...with a 4.0 GPA...I vowed that I would never, ever again let his messages play in my head. I had completed this program as the only non-clinician admitted and one of the first 50 to ever complete the degree.
There are things that the abuser cannot take away from you, ever. The abuser can't take away your good heart or your intelligence, your skills or your abilities. They can't take your moral compass, your ethics, your relationship with a higher power, or your capacity to love. Oh, they try like hell to steal these things in order to keep you under their thumb, but at some point you realize that the things that really matter can't be taken.
On the other hand, the person who attempted to destroy my very core will never, ever have the things I do. It is impossible...because he has never had them.
Learning to fly,
AC
One of the toughest hurdles I faced after my escape was to reclaim who I was at my core. It took a while to remember that I had a very high IQ and had always been successful at many things. I was good at academics, sports, and a number of creative pursuits. I began to set small goals, then bigger ones to stretch myself. I had aspired for years to go to graduate school, the first step of which was taking the GRE. I studied like crazy and, the day I took the exam, I was downright gleeful. More than anything, it reassured me that there were in fact things I could do. Bearing in mind, every job I had ever had, he had a criticism about it. Every.Single.One.
The day I graduated from the College of Medicine at the University of Illinois - Chicago...with a 4.0 GPA...I vowed that I would never, ever again let his messages play in my head. I had completed this program as the only non-clinician admitted and one of the first 50 to ever complete the degree.
There are things that the abuser cannot take away from you, ever. The abuser can't take away your good heart or your intelligence, your skills or your abilities. They can't take your moral compass, your ethics, your relationship with a higher power, or your capacity to love. Oh, they try like hell to steal these things in order to keep you under their thumb, but at some point you realize that the things that really matter can't be taken.
On the other hand, the person who attempted to destroy my very core will never, ever have the things I do. It is impossible...because he has never had them.
Learning to fly,
AC
No comments:
Post a Comment