Fordham Stories

I've had the honor now of co-presenting at a social media and law class at Fordham University a few times and am always struck by one important thing: how completely foreign my experience is to people. Since it is my reality, and the reality of so many I know either directly or indirectly, it seems to me almost like reporting the news. But when you have to explain to a room full of college students how you ended up in the situation you did, and how that dynamic continues even 5 1/2 years post-escape, you realize that your life is the stuff of nightmares.

It's then when I see how woefully inadequate we are as a society at informing and preparing our young people for abusers, bullies and criminals they will likely encounter in some way on their life path. I'm a great example. Super-high IQ and a lot of common sense, but as a kid and even into my 20s and 30s, I had no idea what I was dealing with. It wasn't until after I divorced him that I saw the worst.

We are here among you, working, living, trying to get on with things. Our stories are painful and sometimes unbelievable, but they are our badge of courage, our way to say, "See what I survived? I will prevail!"

Standing tall,
AC

The Question of Rational People

At an attorney meeting yesterday, she was asking me questions about my ex-husband's behavior. I could tell she was trying to make sense of crazy. She said, "Does he not care what kind of impact this all has on the children?" So, I explained how he had lived for free with his current target (one in a long line), then got her to put him on the deed to her paid-for house, then took out $161k in "joint" loans against the home he paid nothing into. As she looked completely bew...ildered, I said, "Does that sound like someone who is even remotely concerned about how his actions impact others?"

And so it is with them...the malignant narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths. Their existence is about using and then discarding good people.

So much NOT like him,
AC

An Open Letter on the Occasion of My Daughter's 17th Birthday

Dear MPP,

I thought it appropriate and even necessary to write this today. Whether or not you will see it is irrelevant, but I know you still actively stalk everything I do, looking for another court opportunity. This is for the little girl we brought into this world in 1998, whom you left in 2009, and lost completely in 2013.

You’ve missed a lot.

She is an amazing young woman. Despite the sometimes debilitating episodes of anxiety she experiences as a holdover from living with you, she pushes ahead. Last Saturday, instead of being at the mall or lying in bed, she was downtown distributing food to homeless people living under bridges and poor families in housing projects. She is quite the child magnet, too. Everywhere she goes, little kids flock to her and she treats them all as though they are her best friend. She and her big bag of gummies were really popular at the projects. She also volunteers with a street ministry who serve sex workers. They write cards for them, then go around downtown at night distributing cards and flowers to hookers to show them the love of Jesus. Your daughter understands that individuals are valuable and worthy of real love and kindness. They can’t do anything for her, but she doesn’t care about that, which is why she will never be anything like you.

You missed her first boyfriend, her first heartbreak, her homecomings and prom. You missed her confirmation and her concerts. I bet you have no idea what part she sings or what instrument she played in band. You missed watching her sit at the kitchen table for hours, determined to conquer the AP government class, which she got a B in. You missed her driving my car around a parking lot on a Sunday afternoon, practicing for the day when she can finally get a license without you stalking us through the records. You missed her coming back from her mission trips full of excitement and endless stories, and the many discussions about what she wants to do with her life.

More importantly, you have missed HER. The quick witted humor and dazzling smile she flashes when she makes someone else smile is something to behold. She has a laugh that makes other people happy and she uses it often. Her empathy for others sometimes leaves her frustrated and crying because she can’t help them. She is incredibly loyal and is a friend everyone can count on. When provoked, she has a temper of fire but it burns out quickly. This girl is introspective and always looking for how she can improve herself or do something for someone. She has big dreams and an even bigger heart. A loving and supportive big sister, she has spent the last 6 months creating an astounding relationship with her little sister, despite the massive wedge you drove between them from the start. They share a love of all kinds of music and the three of us can frequently be found playing air guitar with a song while in the car.

This girl is beautiful in every way possible. And you have missed it.

I grieve, but not for you.

So much time and so many resources have been stolen from this girl and her sister because of your single-minded, laser-focused insistence on destroying me. They have missed important opportunities because I was so broke from paying the lawyers and the doctors. We have missed time together while I worked 7 days a week trying to financially recover from your terroristic destruction of our life together, a life which was beautifully forged from the twisted wreckage of what we escaped when we got away from you.

But she keeps going, this girl. We keep going together, thankful that we were able to get out when we did. Statistically, if I had not gotten these children away from you, this precious blessing of my life would be a drinker (she left a post-prom party because there was drinking going on), a drug user, promiscuous, and utterly lacking in self-esteem.

Undeterred by your insanity, which became completely transparent to her as she got older, this girl is destined for great things. I’m sure that when she achieves something, you will brag about “your” daughter and how she did such-and-such, but anyone with any sense will know you have no right to any credit. This precious and wonderful girl didn’t become who she is because of you.

She did it in spite of you.

AC