Abuse and the Other Escape

Like the rest of the world, I have been processing the news of Robin Williams’ death, the cause of which was torment.  It doesn’t matter the manner in which his life on this earth ceased to be, only the underlying cause of that end.  Pain.  Excruciating, unrelenting, all-consuming pain.  As I watched tributes and read Tweets, my sadness grew a little stronger.  When I reached the Tweet by Evan Rachel Wood, I began to sob.  In her short 3 words, she reminded me of exactly how I almost became a casualty like Robin.  With a picture from Aladdin, she said simply,

“Genie.  You’re free.”

The heaving sobs I had been holding back since last night finally came.  I’m pretty sure I scared my pets.

It isn’t that I knew Robin Williams personally, other than following his career and philanthropy since his Happy Days/Mork and Mindy debut.  It is that I saw him as a bright light in a weary and conflict-filled world.  He gave of himself and by all accounts enriched the lives of so many more people than he would have given himself credit for.  There was so much Robin magic left, but this world failed him.  So he freed himself to go to the next in the hope of escape…of peace and an end to pain.

I know that feeling.  Exactly.  Precisely.  I felt it overwhelmingly on July 9, 2009, which I now think of as my “Alive Day”.

Those who are my friends would have a very hard time understanding how I could not feel loved or valued, but 5 years ago, I was a very different person.  I had just failed, for the third time, to escape my abusive marriage and liberate myself and my young daughters from a life of fear and torment.  I was brutally ashamed and considered myself an abject failure.  I was also faced with going to “marriage counseling” the next day, which I knew would be an utter farce and yet again designed to blame me for his permanent state of anger and unhappiness.  That entire day, I cried.  I have never cried so much in my life as I did that day.  I made excuses to my girls that my friend was dying and I was sad, which was true.  My friend Keith was frighteningly close to the end of his journey with AIDS.  The truth, however, was that I saw no other way out of the hell we were living in.  I had been taught to live every moment in fear of his wrath, which vacillated between very predictable and thoroughly arbitrary.  True to form, the next day, he launched into a diatribe about how I had “forced” him, 23 years prior, to end his “brilliant” Navy career as an enlisted man who once burned the letters “FTN” (fuck the Navy) into his arm.

I just wanted to be free. 

What an amazing feeling it would be, I mused, to wake up in the morning and not feel trepidation.  To not fear the normal events of the day or the backlash for my lack of cooperation, whether real or perceived.  I wondered what it would be like to not feel sick all the time, exhausted, nauseous, or both.  I imagined that people in the world did live like that, but I couldn’t imagine it was possible for me and my daughters.

Eventually, I took a shower.  Then I sat for hours on my bed, still crying, wrapped in my bathrobe, with a huge box of Ambien samples in my lap.  Somewhere during this process of disengaging with the physical world, I wrote notes of farewell to people I was close to.  The note I wrote to him, though, was an instruction on why I had done what I did and how he was responsible for being a good father to the girls, a task at which he had failed astronomically.  I still believed it was all my fault, though.  The words he had spoken before rang in my head:  “If you killed yourself, everyone would know just how crazy you really are.”

Somehow, in the midst of this deepening abyss that tried hard to swallow me, I saw a picture of my girls on my nightstand and it altered my thoughts long enough to leave room for clarity.  Who would I be leaving them with?  What kind of life would that create for them?  Imagine being a survivor of a mother who committed suicide and then being stuck with a remaining parent who is violent, abusive, angry all the time, yet presents a completely opposite face to the world.  They would grow up with no one believing them or advocating for them.  “But he’s such a nice guy.”  No, he is the real face of terrorism.

I look back and wonder what, exactly, saved me that day.  I had always had the love of friends and family.  I had, and still have, a strong faith.  I had an inner fire, a determination to do good in the world and help others.  But that day, I felt as though I would never be able to help myself or, more gut-wrenchingly, my children.  Many times, a survivor of abuse sees no other way out but this one.

I realize the things I would have missed.  Not just the obvious joy of seeing my girls evolve into the amazing young ladies that they are, but seeing who I was able to evolve into.  My life has become nothing short of magical and I have experiences every day that I could never have fathomed.  Had I known the type of terror I would face post-escape, I may have made a different decision.  But I also know that surviving the multiple court actions, the harassment, the stalking, the threats, the financial destruction, and the obliteration of a once-healthy body has shown me that there is no amount of anything that can crush a spirit determined to live.  As Garth Brooks says, I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end…the way it all would go.  Had I known, the challenges that lay before me likely would have seemed insurmountable, and I wanted to escape the pain of over 25 years of this torture. 

All I wanted was to be free.  It is what I am still left fighting for, both for myself and my girls.  So I understand Robin Williams’ decision better than many.  But I am still so sad.  It has been a very hard road and there are days I am absolutely weary, which is clearly the point at which Robin had arrived.  His spirit was no longer determined to live, but wished for release.

I thank God for whatever happened July 9, 2009 to keep me here.  Many abuse survivors have not been so lucky and I grieve for them, even as I know they are free.  Just as I grieve along with the world that we have lost such a great and powerful energy for good.  

Peace and love to all who knew him,

AC

Zen and the Art of Venting

Zen and the Art of Venting

There are two things a person should never be angry at: what they can help and what they cannot. 
–Plato

A reader asked me how I got to such a point of peace and acceptance of CC's continued attacks, threats, legal filings, refusal to cooperate with regard to the children, and attempts to punish me, especially in light of the fact that I have not had direct phone contact since March 6, 2012, or emailed since 2011.  It’s very simple: sometimes I get furious, I swear, I rant, I call him every name in the book…then I move on. I never do it to him and I never share it with my children. I have wished him dead, I have wanted to pummel him to bits with a baseball bat, and I have fantasized about having the power to actually make a voodoo doll work. I have hoped he’d get a sexual disease or develop Erectile Dysfunction. I have even hoped he’d become an alcoholic like his father. These instances are how I let out my negative emotions to, for lack of a better term, cleanse myself of the nastiness he left behind.

I’m human.

The difference is that, in my process of liberation and deliverance from abuse, I have learned that letting off that immediate steam is helpful in the short term but does not get me to where I need to be for the long run. I spent many years having horrible gastrointestinal problems, severe headaches and of course, clinical depression and PTSD—or, more accurately—Intratraumatic Stress Disorder, that was misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder. Being sick was a physical manifestation of all the fear and pain being kept inside as I fought to protect my children and to appear normal to the outside world. I am grateful to not be there anymore. It kept me from going to my children’s school events sometimes and the stress of having to try to cover up my horrendous situation caused me to become almost a hermit, avoiding other people so I didn’t have to “act” all the time. Those who know me personally can tell you I am the furthest thing from anti-social imaginable.

What does work in the long run is a multi-pronged approach to dealing with the continued crazymaking. First, I look at the behavior from the sharp eye of understanding specifically what the pathology of an abuser is. I know exactly what the craziness looks like and can now predict with great precision what the next act of stupidity will be. I try to find the entertainment in that predictability and sometimes even bet my friends in advance. (I even won a bet Monday!) Second, I look at how whatever has just happened can be of benefit to my children and me. Third, I document, document, document, which helps me feel empowered in that I am taking some kind of action in response to the Lunacy of the Week. Last, I force myself to say (usually out loud), “Okay, God. He’s your problem to deal with now.” Might sound a little corny but it almost feels like outing him to the one and only “person” with authority to really give him a good smackdown. Although I don’t really believe in a God of retribution, I do take some comfort in knowing that God/the universe/Karma has a way of evening things out. That’s proven true in my life for certain.

I do have my moments, though. I have moments where I seriously ask God why my dear friends had to go to heaven while a monster whose only goal in life has been to destroy me (and, by association, my children) is still allowed to walk the Earth. I have moments where I fantasize about doing all sorts of things as payback for the pain. But I have to remain true to my own morals while doing what is right.  I am not that person who, even though the law says if the other party doesn’t arrive at the appointed day and time to collect the children he surrenders that visitation, refuses to allow visitation to happen. Yes, I could very easily say, “Well, that’s just too bad now, isn’t it? You didn’t adhere to the schedule, so you have lost your chance.” What exactly would that get me and how would I explain it to my children later?  My job is to give my daughters wings to fly and a strong moral compass, which includes allowing them to make their own judgments about this person. So far, they are both doing a fantastic job.

Seriously, CC is doing great showing his true colors without me even making an effort. Time and time again, the behavior demonstrated has been vindictive, abusive, controlling, manipulative, lying, cheating, threatening, thieving, and soulless, not to mention completely idiotic in many ways. He kept referring to me as “Mrs. (maiden name)” in court, over and over, which really made me laugh. But you know what? Our friend Plato was right: This person will never change and there’s no use getting mad about it. There’s also no use getting mad about things I can change, I just take action to change them. You are all familiar with the Serenity Prayer, I hope: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Trust me, if you can begin to master this idea, you will have a lot more peace in your life.  Another bit of wisdom from my fabulous therapist who got me through 3 years of hell:  "If he was so damn happy, you'd NEVER HEAR FROM HIM!  The checks would come, he would show up for visitation, and that would be it.  He is a miserable human and you have to stop buying into his Broadway show."  Yeah, I got over that, too.

I think that what makes this so hard to deal with during recovery is that we just don’t want to come to terms with the fact that the man/woman we were married to, had children with and attempted to build a life with was really a horrible person. I’m not saying that they are not worth something, because God created them and that gives, in my opinion, inherent value. However, it is extremely hard to accept the fact that not only did you devote yourself to this person, you tried to justify it based on some thin “redeeming” qualities. Then you find out they really have no redeeming qualities at all and it can make you feel like a sucker. Interesting how we make excuses for our own abuser, but if a friend tells us the same about their spouse/significant other, we practically raise up a lynch mob to take care of it ourselves. Hey, a friend will ask why you’re crying. A best friend will already have the shovel ready to bury the loser who made you cry!

As I have progressed through the stages of grief in dealing with this lunacy, I have discovered that I can find exactly zero redeeming qualities in this person. Really. So, he makes a six-figure salary, big deal. He certainly would not have risen to where he is without me, that’s for sure. I used to justify my remaining in the marriage because he was this, that or the other, none of which really matter…some as ridiculous as the fact that he’s a good cook. This is another reason it’s hard to forgive yourself for staying in the relationship and “allowing” the torture you endured. Reminder number 2,319: this was NOT your fault.

So, don’t get down on yourself if you need to vent, just have a healthy vent. Find a friend or a pillow and let it all out! Say whatever you want and punch the snot out of the pillow if it helps release the energy!  My friend Kimberly keeps a stack of unwanted plates just for this occasion and smashes them to bits which she then leaves where they are, because she says, “I was always picking up the pieces”.  My favorite technique became pounding the dirt in my yard with a hammer (sometimes with something of his underneath).

Yes, there are healthy ways to channel your outbursts and I hope you’ll use them. However, I also hope you’ll cut yourself a break and not feel guilty or feel like you are backsliding in your recovery when you do have one. I have accepted the fact that any time CC lashes out and involves my kids, it’s going to royally piss me off…and I have a plan to deal with it. Meanwhile, the behavior is like a petty child attempting to get payback for all the “sins” he feels I have committed against him, the most grievous being having the audacity to escape him and move on with my wonderful life.

Breaking free from abuse does not mean disconnecting yourself from your emotions. Just learn to channel them appropriately and you will find much more peace in your life!

Go pound dirt,

AC

The Stupid! It Hurts!

I was helping a client earlier today when she received yet another rambling, threatening email from her abuser ex.  It was priceless.  I even apologized to her and said, "Sue, I swear I'm really sorry but I can't help but laugh at this idiot.  He is a special kind of stupid!"

This guy's major complaint was that he was peeved that she was making supposedly unilateral decisions about their special needs daughter, for whom she provides 24/7 care.  You all know how that one goes, right?  You send emails, forms, questions, copy them on stuff, and they defer to you because they can't be bothered.  I've even had literally YEARS worth of communications attempting to arrange visitation totally ignored.  Not joking.

But what was really priceless about this guy was that, on the heels of his ranting and raving about how he's not included and she's not doing this or that, he follows it by saying he feels he is left with no choice but to stop the child support payments and take her back to court.

Wait.

Let that sink in.

He is so mad because he accuses her of not co-parenting (when she sends stuff that is ignored) that he's going to STOP supporting his children per court order and take their mother to court over it.

I went threat-by-threat through this email with her and pointed out all the realities behind his crazy.  She knows he's wacko, but his threats still affect her physiologically.  I said, "Seriously, he has his own business and it's incorporated, right?  His child support is collected by the state on a garnishment to his business, right?  Well, DUH!  If he stops sending the payments, he'll get hit for being a non-compliant employer AND a non-compliant non-custodial parent!  Do you see how empty his threat is?"

This stuff is so hard to see in the moment.  Captain Crazy can still occasionally push my buttons, but then I coach myself to look at just how unbelievably funny it is.  My favorite one this week was his assertion to someone about the many "attacks" and "failure to adhere to agreements" of which I am supposedly guilty.  You know how many times I have violated the legal agreements in 4 1/2 years?  Zero.  That would  be zero.  He is, so far, up to almost 50, not including the felony charge of Interstate Interference with Custody for purposely sending my 11 year old unaccompanied to Baltimore when he knew I was in Georgia waiting for the return exchange.  Know how many legal actions I have proactively filed against him?  1.  A protection order when he hired a private investigator to hunt me down so he could send a package to my house to let me know I cannot hide from him.  This while he had full phone access to the children and had just had a visitation.

I absolutely get that this takes a lot of training!  I have had to work my fanny off to survive the constant legal actions, threats and off-the-wall demands...like demanding that I pay for his long-distance visitation expenses if I wanted him to see his children who he moved 1,000 miles away from.  Yeah, I have actual bills he sent me.  He can bloviate about it all he wants to.  Doesn't make it true, doesn't give him power.

So empower yourself with knowledge and then learn to laugh at the stupid.  They can threaten anything they want but the joke's on them.  I promise you one thing that I have proven to be true in my own case, over and over:

Give them enough rope and they will absolutely, positively hang themselves!

Go on with your bad self,
AC

Lipstick on a Pig

Tell me if this sounds familiar, remembering that I speak from personal experience:

YOU are the most miserable, unattractive or (insert negative descriptor here) person the abuser knows...and they make no secret of that opinion.  You are too fat, too skinny, too bossy, have a sucky job, or are not enough whatever.  Interestingly, the abuser is exactly as he/she describes of you.

Then, you break free, and the first thing the abuser does is a total makeover.  Suddenly, he/she goes from couch potato to marathon runner, wears nicer clothes, gets a new car, and basically "puts on the dog".  In my experience, this was also the tip-off to know when sights were set on a new affair/victim. Instead of sitting on his ass eating and watching TV or porn on the computer, suddenly, he needed to work out and eat better.  It was SO obvious it was ridiculous!  I knew it...where I "failed" was in not speaking up and calling it out for what it was.

My beautiful, Southern grandma used to call that "lipstick on a pig".  She'd say, "Honey, some people are just ugly all the way to the inside.  You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig and always will be."  I remember that so clearly and not really understanding until much later in life what she was talking about.  I would watch this person pretend to be something he clearly was not and never will be and alternately laugh and become enraged.  I was only angered because it has been this person's mission in life for over 30 years to destroy mine, while doing his very best to put on a mask to hide the evil from the rest of the world.  (If you think that's hyperbole, wait until you read my book.)  It wasn't just me, it turned out.  It was a whole collection of unsuspecting, decent people who had no idea what had just gotten its claws into them.  That was a relief on many levels, but it was also terribly sad.  The evil had been unleashed on others.

I know you wish you could warn others and tell them about the pig under the lipstick, but you can't.  You could try, of course, but believe me when I tell you that the abuser has been so hard at work smearing you, creating an alternate reality to make himself/herself out to be a victim, no one would listen.  This, my friends, is why it's so critical to keep documentation for the future.  I just counted all the additional documents from a yearlong lawsuit and the requisite discovery.  My total now stands at well over 5,000 pages of damning evidence, clearly and squarely pointed at one person.

It's also tempting to wonder why this person didn't make this effort for you.  Well, why would he/she?  He/she already had you under the thumb, in control, in the over/under relationship.  The packaging no longer mattered.  Remember that only FAKE PEOPLE need packaging (yes, I would be writing under my own name if my legal situation was different; I don't care if everyone on the planet knows who I am).

The thing about lipstick is...it ALWAYS wears off.

Revealing the oinkers,

AC

The Birth of Aubrey

In April, 2012, about 2 1/2 years after my escape from over a quarter-century of domestic abuse, it occurred to me that maybe there were some others out there who might benefit from hearing about my path to healing.  I thought that maybe a couple of people might read it and get something out of it if I started writing a blog with insights and raw honesty about what it's like to recover from a long-term abusive relationship.

So, on April 26, 2012, the Emotional Abuse Survivors Network project was born.  It was the first time I had talked openly about what I had experienced from 1981-2009 at the mercy of a highly disorder person. I was still the target of abuse, although it was from a distance and manifested as stalking, threats, harassment and proxy abuse by court.  I wrote under a pseudonym and did not identify the other party. Two days later, I added a Facebook page for open discussion about my writings.

From shortly thereafter, when this person discovered I was writing this blog, he began trying to have it shut down, in addition to contacting friends of mine and having a proxy abuser attack me openly as well as covertly.  After a second court action, a lawsuit for defamation (which, by the way, met none of the burden for proving defamation), dragged on for over a year, I chose to go to mediation to settle it.  Mind you, this was after losing my daughter's entire college fund of $30,000 and going into debt another $30,000 all for legal fees and expenses.  I also had to leave a high-paying job due to severe PTSD brought on by being hunted down by a PI (Lord, you should the see PI's notes we obtained in discovery!) and the relentless falsehoods of the suit.  As part of the mediation, I agreed to shut down the Emotional Abuse Survivors Network project and live within certain "rules".  I did not, however, agree to stop my crusade to call out emotional abuse, its effects, or the vicious individuals who perpetrate such abuses.

At the time I "retired" the Emotional Abuse Survivors Network, I had an average of 6,000 readers a week between the Facebook page and main blog feed.  There were hits in more than 40 countries and over 4,400 "likes" on the Emotional Abuse Survivors Network Facebook page.  That didn't even account for all those who couldn't participate openly for safety reasons.  EASN did far more than I expected.  It touched lives, it freed people, it created friendships.  Moreover, a number of friends came forward to me about their own abuse experiences and I helped a number of them move through the process of escape and disengagement.

Aubrey Cole is the Nom de Plume I chose with the help of a dear, longtime friend.  Aubrey comes from a song by the band Bread and was the name I wanted to give my younger daughter.  I saved the entire 2 years of my writing and am editing it to publish as a book for survivors of "no scar" abuse.  I have also completed about 1/3 of a book I'm calling Define Winning, about how to assess opportunity cost and your real end game when trying to escape the continued abuses by a sociopathic/narcissistic ex-partner.

The Emotional Abuse Survivors Network was a major force for good, when all I expected was to tell my story and maybe a few people would find it helpful.  Now, Aubrey Cole aims to be a force for change.  One voice really can change the world...even if it's the world of only a few people.  But, this is me...and I will be relentless in my pursuit of helping others and changing minds.

"And Aubrey was her name...a not so very ordinary girl or name..."

Stay tuned,
AC

Reclamation

Over the 25 years of my abusive marriage, I lost all of my ability to dream.  I went from being a vivacious, highly intelligent, ambitious young girl to one who believed that she was an abject failure at everything.  Nothing I did was "good enough".  My confidence was almost zero.  Glimmers of hope would shine through when I would accomplish something in my career or had a great "mommy day", but they were quickly snuffed out by snide remarks, intimidating looks and flagrant expressions of degradation.  If it did not glorify him, it was not to be.

One of the toughest hurdles I faced after my escape was to reclaim who I was at my core.  It took a while to remember that I had a very high IQ and had always been successful at many things.  I was good at academics, sports, and a number of creative pursuits.  I began to set small goals, then bigger ones to stretch myself.  I had aspired for years to go to graduate school, the first step of which was taking the GRE.  I studied like crazy and, the day I took the exam, I was downright gleeful.  More than anything, it reassured me that there were in fact things I could do.  Bearing in mind, every job I had ever had, he had a criticism about it. Every.Single.One.

The day I graduated from the College of Medicine at the University of Illinois - Chicago...with a 4.0 GPA...I vowed that I would never, ever again let his messages play in my head.  I had completed this program as the only non-clinician admitted and one of the first 50 to ever complete the degree.

There are things that the abuser cannot take away from you, ever.  The abuser can't take away your good heart or your intelligence, your skills or your abilities.  They can't take your moral compass, your ethics, your relationship with a higher power, or your capacity to love.  Oh, they try like hell to steal these things in order to keep you under their thumb, but at some point you realize that the things that really matter can't be taken.

On the other hand, the person who attempted to destroy my very core will never, ever have the things I do. It is impossible...because he has never had them.

Learning to fly,
AC

Judicial Terrorism as Domestic Terrorism

Today, I'm going to let Donna J. King, JD, do the talking.  I have experienced everything in this paper, as have the vast majority of women and men I talk to in my work.  I'll bet most of you have, too.

Go to this link:  http://trace.tennessee.edu/rgsj/vol1/iss1/6/ and click "Download" to read this fantastic journal article.


Calling it out for what it is,
AC

The Sad "Knowing"

Every day I talk to people, women mostly, who usually begin their story with, "I know this will sound crazy" or "This is going to require some explanation".  When I reassure them that I do get it and they don't have to explain, they are sometimes befuddled.

You see, someone who has experienced abuse finds an instant, albeit sad, kinship when connecting with another who gets it.  On one hand, we wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone else.  On the other hand, there is relief in seeing that it wasn't just you.  You weren't the cause, nor are you alone.

Sometimes, in the throes of trying to survive an abusive relationship, it feels like being adrift on an iceberg.  Cold, lost, utterly alone.  Then you find another and, even though there is sadness, there is reassurance and validation.  There is a chance to survive, together.

It wasn't you.

You aren't alone.

You will survive...and thrive.

You don't have to convince me,
AC

Bodies in the Basement

Last year, I began to receive messages from people CC had victimized in New York.  When he left Georgia in 2009, he moved to Schenectady and had a wide open victim pool because the one and only person who knew his entire history and all his secrets...me...was no longer around.  He created an entirely different persona and used that to victimize others.  He played the "good ol' Southern boy" and pretended to be a Christian, neither of which is accurate but sure worked well for the audience.

Like most domestic abuse survivors, I always thought the abuse was about me.  For over 30 years (it's been a total of 33), I believed that somehow something about me is what set him off.  Yeah, got over that.  The sickening part was that I felt a sense of responsibility, because if I hadn't finally made my escape, he would not have been unleashed on the world.  He upended the lives of many people and even participated in bullying a subordinate at work so severely that the man ended up committing suicide.  Worse yet, he and his boss then launched a misinformation campaign to scapegoat the man's wife as the source of his problems, thus making her responsible for his death.  It wasn't until coworkers came forward to correct the record through me that his widow was able to find at least a little bit of peace.

My forthcoming book is entitled Bodies in the Basement.  After I heard the many, many stories (the evidence of most was preserved in emails he himself had sent), I experienced a combination of relief and profound shock.  I was relieved to learn and internalize, unequivocally, that this was about him.  I was also rocked to my very core to discover exactly the kind of person I had spent 25 years married to.  I began to describe it as finding out you were married to a serial killer when the police show up and find the bodies in the basement.  Even now that my lawsuit is settled, others are coming forward with information.  It's a relief, really.  It reminds me that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change this person's behavior.

In the process of my defense, I was able to retain the services of two world-class experts in domestic abuse.  One was Dr. Evan Stark.  After Dr. Stark reviewed a massive amount of my evidence and stories, he not only confirmed the sociopathic/psychopathic nature of this person, he asked me if I understood just how dangerous this person is.  I replied that, yes, I do...and I have lived each day since my escape with that in the background of my life.

Don't despair when you think the abuse is about you...because it is not.  It is about the disorder of another human being who refuses to address their behavior.  Most cannot change, which also has nothing to do with you.  Just know that the greatest gift you can give yourself is to let go.  You are not the guilty party.

Celebrating freedom,
AC

Fractured Fairy Tales

Sometimes, I blame Jane Austen and Disney.  We were set up to expect an image of the "perfect" relationship and, oftentimes, we stayed in the abuse because we thought we could work magic.  You can't fix someone else, no matter how hard you try...and believe me, I put in 28+ years.

You can put aside your own dreams and expectations, your own ambitions and thoughts, but sooner or later you have to come to accept the fact that your sacrifice doesn't fix what's broken.  Hurting people hurt people.  I have always known that the person who hurt me did it because he is sick.  That's a reason, not an excuse.  Steps could have been taken and changes made, but he chose differently.  Plenty of people survive Godawful childhoods and grow to be healthy adults.

That doesn't mean you give up your dreams for a lifetime.  You can get back to them.  Just make sure you concentrate on dreams you can pursue that don't depend on anyone else's reaction or behavior. Like...

raising happy, healthy, well-rounded kids, despite the odds
publishing a book (or two)
teaching others how to heal from abuse
training law enforcement officers in recognizing covert DV
being interviewed for research and major publications

or any other dreams you can create.  Be your own "Imagineer"!  Process the grief of not having what you "always" wanted and the universe will open to things you never imagined.

Trust me on this one.

On a dream ride,
AC

D.N.R.

This little acronym usually stands for "Do Not Resuscitate".  In the world of recovery, it means something else:  DO NOT RESPOND.

I would bet that of all the challenges in recovery from abuse, this is the very hardest one to master. The abuser keeps sniping, baiting, spewing lies, and waiting for you to react.  Once you have escaped this dynamic, it's been my experience that you expect things to be calm and detached.  After all, he/she blamed you personally for every bad thing, bad day, bad experience...so it's logical to assume once you let go that they will just take the road show somewhere else.

Don't even hope.

So, what has to become second nature to you is the understanding and mental toughness to recognize that not everything requires a response.  I know what it's like to have your vindictive ex start shooting off text messages in the middle of the night because he/she is pissed about something.  I know what it's like to experience the lies and smear campaign launched by the other party, all while that person claims that you just won't leave them alone (insert plaintive wail here).

A few tactics I would like to suggest:

Write down a list of canned responses that you can use over and over again.  One of the things that a covert abuser absolutely despises is when you won't take the bait.  Use the "broken record" technique and say things like, "I will consider this and respond when I am ready" or "You will have my considered response on Friday"...then repeat it for EVERY communication.

Now, what about those communications?  Is there some law in the universe that says you must communicate with this person by email and/or text?  NO.  Seriously, how many divorced parents managed to arrange visitation and communicate before cell phones and the internet?  There is no reason to subject yourself to unwarranted, harassing, ugly communications.  Ask yourself, "If this was a stranger, would I put up with it?"

I blocked all email communication with CC in March 2011 and all telephone communication in April 2012.  Best two things I ever did.  It CAN be done and you can do it in a way that you don't make yourself look bad to the court.  "Your honor, I am no longer willing to allow myself to be verbally attacked or psychologically abused by someone I am no longer married to.  I have the right to determine the method of communication that anyone has with me and I am choosing to limit our communication to ___________."

There are plenty of websites out there you can use for organizing co-parenting and plenty of ways to show a court that you are not attempting to block access to the children, just to you...and that is your right.  I used Cozi.com, which was free.

Develop a plan of action for handling your emotions when these attacks happen.  My all-time favorite was pounding the dirt outside with a hammer.  Second favorite is going to the firing range, although I know that's not an option for some.  I did have the one therapeutic experience of shredding my wedding gown into tiny bits, but you only get one of those!

So remember:  NOT EVERYTHING REQUIRES A RESPONSE.  Or, as the saying goes, "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to."  Develop an action plan for your D.N.R. in order to resuscitate your life.  It will be well worth it!

The No-Contact Queen,
AC

How to Know When to Fight Back

Yes, we are peacekeepers, are we not?  More than anything, the abuse teaches us to not rock the boat.  We would rather just suck it up and let the abuser have his/her tantrum and move on.  Our way of measuring opportunity cost is to try to guess what the reaction will be to our reaction and decide if it's worth it.  I know I have spent a lot of time rolling my eyes and laughing at someone we will call Captain Crazy of the SS Melodrama (hey, you need a little humor to get through this garbage!).

In the early stages, I most certainly "took the bait" from CC.  When you do this, you are usually justified, but it opens the door for the abuser to then frame a response to make you look "crazy" or "dramatic".  One recent favorite was when I was communicating through my attorney and CC asserted there was not a certain legal document in place limiting his contact with me, but that he didn't want "any drama".  My attorney called me and practically shrieked, "I'm holding it in my hand!  Does he really think it doesn't exist?!"  I said, "Welcome to my life."

So after almost 5 years of this bullshit, here's the conclusion I have come to:

1.  As a free citizen of my country, I have civil rights.

2.  I deserve to live free from harassment, stalking, threats, fear, intentional economic obliteration and stress-induced illness...and so do my children.

3.  I will assert my civil rights in the same context I would assert them if this were a stranger pulling this crap.

4.  When I am attacked, threatened, or faced with yet again another punitive and ridiculous court action, I won't come back with a "reasoned response"...I will come back with total force.  Why?  Because this is the only language these people understand.


If you believe this has been an easy evolution for me, you would be completely wrong.  I am the most peace-loving, non-confrontational person you could imagine without being a total Milquetoast.  However, as with any bully, until you fight back against them, they will continue their childish bully ways.  I declared my independence from this bully years ago and, in the interest of trying to "work together for the sake of the children", did everything possible to keep things calm.  Didn't work.  For my trouble, I ended up losing the life and financial stability I had built for my daughters and me...the ones CC moved away from in 2009 and never returned.

Yes, I want you to heal.  I want you to understand what happened to you and why.  Then, I want you to get determined.  You have rights.

Start by asking yourself, "If this behavior was coming from a total stranger or a person I casually know, would it be acceptable?  Would it be legal?"  If the answer is no, then I want you to learn the laws where you live and take action.  Don't take no for an answer.  (Hint:  When I finally did this, I ended up with a report that is still pending for a felony charge with a 2 year statute of limitations, and an active FBI file since all these acts were committed across state lines.)

Above all, don't threaten to do this.  Don't say, "If you don't stop, I am going to the police."  Just amass your documentation and do it.

Helping you find your voice,

AC

Putting the Attitude into Recovery

I recently had to realign my work after being sued by the very person who was the cause of my efforts.  This will not silence me, only change the "packaging" I use to deliver my message.  It would be a lot easier to just sit down and shut up, but I can't do that.  Too many women and men need to hear these messages.  They need to know not only that psychological/emotional abuse is not acceptable but how to find their own strength.  The tough part for me was aligning my personal beliefs and ethics with, essentially, growing a backbone.

Stay tuned for writings, resources, and messages of recovery laced with sass.  At some point, you need to stop "playing nice" and "keeping the peace", realizing that you have rights.

I hope to continue the work I started by helping empower more people.  We'll look at this as the healing page with a side of "F*** You".

AC