Last year, I began to receive messages from people CC had victimized in New York. When he left Georgia in 2009, he moved to Schenectady and had a wide open victim pool because the one and only person who knew his entire history and all his secrets...me...was no longer around. He created an entirely different persona and used that to victimize others. He played the "good ol' Southern boy" and pretended to be a Christian, neither of which is accurate but sure worked well for the audience.
Like most domestic abuse survivors, I always thought the abuse was about me. For over 30 years (it's been a total of 33), I believed that somehow something about me is what set him off. Yeah, got over that. The sickening part was that I felt a sense of responsibility, because if I hadn't finally made my escape, he would not have been unleashed on the world. He upended the lives of many people and even participated in bullying a subordinate at work so severely that the man ended up committing suicide. Worse yet, he and his boss then launched a misinformation campaign to scapegoat the man's wife as the source of his problems, thus making her responsible for his death. It wasn't until coworkers came forward to correct the record through me that his widow was able to find at least a little bit of peace.
My forthcoming book is entitled Bodies in the Basement. After I heard the many, many stories (the evidence of most was preserved in emails he himself had sent), I experienced a combination of relief and profound shock. I was relieved to learn and internalize, unequivocally, that this was about him. I was also rocked to my very core to discover exactly the kind of person I had spent 25 years married to. I began to describe it as finding out you were married to a serial killer when the police show up and find the bodies in the basement. Even now that my lawsuit is settled, others are coming forward with information. It's a relief, really. It reminds me that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change this person's behavior.
In the process of my defense, I was able to retain the services of two world-class experts in domestic abuse. One was Dr. Evan Stark. After Dr. Stark reviewed a massive amount of my evidence and stories, he not only confirmed the sociopathic/psychopathic nature of this person, he asked me if I understood just how dangerous this person is. I replied that, yes, I do...and I have lived each day since my escape with that in the background of my life.
Don't despair when you think the abuse is about you...because it is not. It is about the disorder of another human being who refuses to address their behavior. Most cannot change, which also has nothing to do with you. Just know that the greatest gift you can give yourself is to let go. You are not the guilty party.
Celebrating freedom,
AC
Like most domestic abuse survivors, I always thought the abuse was about me. For over 30 years (it's been a total of 33), I believed that somehow something about me is what set him off. Yeah, got over that. The sickening part was that I felt a sense of responsibility, because if I hadn't finally made my escape, he would not have been unleashed on the world. He upended the lives of many people and even participated in bullying a subordinate at work so severely that the man ended up committing suicide. Worse yet, he and his boss then launched a misinformation campaign to scapegoat the man's wife as the source of his problems, thus making her responsible for his death. It wasn't until coworkers came forward to correct the record through me that his widow was able to find at least a little bit of peace.
My forthcoming book is entitled Bodies in the Basement. After I heard the many, many stories (the evidence of most was preserved in emails he himself had sent), I experienced a combination of relief and profound shock. I was relieved to learn and internalize, unequivocally, that this was about him. I was also rocked to my very core to discover exactly the kind of person I had spent 25 years married to. I began to describe it as finding out you were married to a serial killer when the police show up and find the bodies in the basement. Even now that my lawsuit is settled, others are coming forward with information. It's a relief, really. It reminds me that there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change this person's behavior.
In the process of my defense, I was able to retain the services of two world-class experts in domestic abuse. One was Dr. Evan Stark. After Dr. Stark reviewed a massive amount of my evidence and stories, he not only confirmed the sociopathic/psychopathic nature of this person, he asked me if I understood just how dangerous this person is. I replied that, yes, I do...and I have lived each day since my escape with that in the background of my life.
Don't despair when you think the abuse is about you...because it is not. It is about the disorder of another human being who refuses to address their behavior. Most cannot change, which also has nothing to do with you. Just know that the greatest gift you can give yourself is to let go. You are not the guilty party.
Celebrating freedom,
AC
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