This little acronym usually stands for "Do Not Resuscitate". In the world of recovery, it means something else: DO NOT RESPOND.
I would bet that of all the challenges in recovery from abuse, this is the very hardest one to master. The abuser keeps sniping, baiting, spewing lies, and waiting for you to react. Once you have escaped this dynamic, it's been my experience that you expect things to be calm and detached. After all, he/she blamed you personally for every bad thing, bad day, bad experience...so it's logical to assume once you let go that they will just take the road show somewhere else.
Don't even hope.
So, what has to become second nature to you is the understanding and mental toughness to recognize that not everything requires a response. I know what it's like to have your vindictive ex start shooting off text messages in the middle of the night because he/she is pissed about something. I know what it's like to experience the lies and smear campaign launched by the other party, all while that person claims that you just won't leave them alone (insert plaintive wail here).
A few tactics I would like to suggest:
Write down a list of canned responses that you can use over and over again. One of the things that a covert abuser absolutely despises is when you won't take the bait. Use the "broken record" technique and say things like, "I will consider this and respond when I am ready" or "You will have my considered response on Friday"...then repeat it for EVERY communication.
Now, what about those communications? Is there some law in the universe that says you must communicate with this person by email and/or text? NO. Seriously, how many divorced parents managed to arrange visitation and communicate before cell phones and the internet? There is no reason to subject yourself to unwarranted, harassing, ugly communications. Ask yourself, "If this was a stranger, would I put up with it?"
I blocked all email communication with CC in March 2011 and all telephone communication in April 2012. Best two things I ever did. It CAN be done and you can do it in a way that you don't make yourself look bad to the court. "Your honor, I am no longer willing to allow myself to be verbally attacked or psychologically abused by someone I am no longer married to. I have the right to determine the method of communication that anyone has with me and I am choosing to limit our communication to ___________."
There are plenty of websites out there you can use for organizing co-parenting and plenty of ways to show a court that you are not attempting to block access to the children, just to you...and that is your right. I used Cozi.com, which was free.
Develop a plan of action for handling your emotions when these attacks happen. My all-time favorite was pounding the dirt outside with a hammer. Second favorite is going to the firing range, although I know that's not an option for some. I did have the one therapeutic experience of shredding my wedding gown into tiny bits, but you only get one of those!
So remember: NOT EVERYTHING REQUIRES A RESPONSE. Or, as the saying goes, "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to." Develop an action plan for your D.N.R. in order to resuscitate your life. It will be well worth it!
The No-Contact Queen,
AC
I would bet that of all the challenges in recovery from abuse, this is the very hardest one to master. The abuser keeps sniping, baiting, spewing lies, and waiting for you to react. Once you have escaped this dynamic, it's been my experience that you expect things to be calm and detached. After all, he/she blamed you personally for every bad thing, bad day, bad experience...so it's logical to assume once you let go that they will just take the road show somewhere else.
Don't even hope.
So, what has to become second nature to you is the understanding and mental toughness to recognize that not everything requires a response. I know what it's like to have your vindictive ex start shooting off text messages in the middle of the night because he/she is pissed about something. I know what it's like to experience the lies and smear campaign launched by the other party, all while that person claims that you just won't leave them alone (insert plaintive wail here).
A few tactics I would like to suggest:
Write down a list of canned responses that you can use over and over again. One of the things that a covert abuser absolutely despises is when you won't take the bait. Use the "broken record" technique and say things like, "I will consider this and respond when I am ready" or "You will have my considered response on Friday"...then repeat it for EVERY communication.
Now, what about those communications? Is there some law in the universe that says you must communicate with this person by email and/or text? NO. Seriously, how many divorced parents managed to arrange visitation and communicate before cell phones and the internet? There is no reason to subject yourself to unwarranted, harassing, ugly communications. Ask yourself, "If this was a stranger, would I put up with it?"
I blocked all email communication with CC in March 2011 and all telephone communication in April 2012. Best two things I ever did. It CAN be done and you can do it in a way that you don't make yourself look bad to the court. "Your honor, I am no longer willing to allow myself to be verbally attacked or psychologically abused by someone I am no longer married to. I have the right to determine the method of communication that anyone has with me and I am choosing to limit our communication to ___________."
There are plenty of websites out there you can use for organizing co-parenting and plenty of ways to show a court that you are not attempting to block access to the children, just to you...and that is your right. I used Cozi.com, which was free.
Develop a plan of action for handling your emotions when these attacks happen. My all-time favorite was pounding the dirt outside with a hammer. Second favorite is going to the firing range, although I know that's not an option for some. I did have the one therapeutic experience of shredding my wedding gown into tiny bits, but you only get one of those!
So remember: NOT EVERYTHING REQUIRES A RESPONSE. Or, as the saying goes, "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to." Develop an action plan for your D.N.R. in order to resuscitate your life. It will be well worth it!
The No-Contact Queen,
AC
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