Tell me if this sounds familiar, remembering that I speak from personal experience:
YOU are the most miserable, unattractive or (insert negative descriptor here) person the abuser knows...and they make no secret of that opinion. You are too fat, too skinny, too bossy, have a sucky job, or are not enough whatever. Interestingly, the abuser is exactly as he/she describes of you.
Then, you break free, and the first thing the abuser does is a total makeover. Suddenly, he/she goes from couch potato to marathon runner, wears nicer clothes, gets a new car, and basically "puts on the dog". In my experience, this was also the tip-off to know when sights were set on a new affair/victim. Instead of sitting on his ass eating and watching TV or porn on the computer, suddenly, he needed to work out and eat better. It was SO obvious it was ridiculous! I knew it...where I "failed" was in not speaking up and calling it out for what it was.
My beautiful, Southern grandma used to call that "lipstick on a pig". She'd say, "Honey, some people are just ugly all the way to the inside. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig and always will be." I remember that so clearly and not really understanding until much later in life what she was talking about. I would watch this person pretend to be something he clearly was not and never will be and alternately laugh and become enraged. I was only angered because it has been this person's mission in life for over 30 years to destroy mine, while doing his very best to put on a mask to hide the evil from the rest of the world. (If you think that's hyperbole, wait until you read my book.) It wasn't just me, it turned out. It was a whole collection of unsuspecting, decent people who had no idea what had just gotten its claws into them. That was a relief on many levels, but it was also terribly sad. The evil had been unleashed on others.
I know you wish you could warn others and tell them about the pig under the lipstick, but you can't. You could try, of course, but believe me when I tell you that the abuser has been so hard at work smearing you, creating an alternate reality to make himself/herself out to be a victim, no one would listen. This, my friends, is why it's so critical to keep documentation for the future. I just counted all the additional documents from a yearlong lawsuit and the requisite discovery. My total now stands at well over 5,000 pages of damning evidence, clearly and squarely pointed at one person.
It's also tempting to wonder why this person didn't make this effort for you. Well, why would he/she? He/she already had you under the thumb, in control, in the over/under relationship. The packaging no longer mattered. Remember that only FAKE PEOPLE need packaging (yes, I would be writing under my own name if my legal situation was different; I don't care if everyone on the planet knows who I am).
The thing about lipstick is...it ALWAYS wears off.
Revealing the oinkers,
AC
YOU are the most miserable, unattractive or (insert negative descriptor here) person the abuser knows...and they make no secret of that opinion. You are too fat, too skinny, too bossy, have a sucky job, or are not enough whatever. Interestingly, the abuser is exactly as he/she describes of you.
Then, you break free, and the first thing the abuser does is a total makeover. Suddenly, he/she goes from couch potato to marathon runner, wears nicer clothes, gets a new car, and basically "puts on the dog". In my experience, this was also the tip-off to know when sights were set on a new affair/victim. Instead of sitting on his ass eating and watching TV or porn on the computer, suddenly, he needed to work out and eat better. It was SO obvious it was ridiculous! I knew it...where I "failed" was in not speaking up and calling it out for what it was.
My beautiful, Southern grandma used to call that "lipstick on a pig". She'd say, "Honey, some people are just ugly all the way to the inside. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig and always will be." I remember that so clearly and not really understanding until much later in life what she was talking about. I would watch this person pretend to be something he clearly was not and never will be and alternately laugh and become enraged. I was only angered because it has been this person's mission in life for over 30 years to destroy mine, while doing his very best to put on a mask to hide the evil from the rest of the world. (If you think that's hyperbole, wait until you read my book.) It wasn't just me, it turned out. It was a whole collection of unsuspecting, decent people who had no idea what had just gotten its claws into them. That was a relief on many levels, but it was also terribly sad. The evil had been unleashed on others.
I know you wish you could warn others and tell them about the pig under the lipstick, but you can't. You could try, of course, but believe me when I tell you that the abuser has been so hard at work smearing you, creating an alternate reality to make himself/herself out to be a victim, no one would listen. This, my friends, is why it's so critical to keep documentation for the future. I just counted all the additional documents from a yearlong lawsuit and the requisite discovery. My total now stands at well over 5,000 pages of damning evidence, clearly and squarely pointed at one person.
It's also tempting to wonder why this person didn't make this effort for you. Well, why would he/she? He/she already had you under the thumb, in control, in the over/under relationship. The packaging no longer mattered. Remember that only FAKE PEOPLE need packaging (yes, I would be writing under my own name if my legal situation was different; I don't care if everyone on the planet knows who I am).
The thing about lipstick is...it ALWAYS wears off.
Revealing the oinkers,
AC
Hi Audrey! Just wanted to let you know that I discuss your blogs in my DV counseling group sessions. My counselors have even started referring to your blog. I've shared D.N.R and this one, Lipstick on a Pig. You help me and so many others, everyday!!
ReplyDeleteThat's fantastic! Email me if you would like me to call in for a group sometime. Would love to talk to you all and offer anything I can!
DeleteAC