Yes, we are peacekeepers, are we not? More than anything, the abuse teaches us to not rock the boat. We would rather just suck it up and let the abuser have his/her tantrum and move on. Our way of measuring opportunity cost is to try to guess what the reaction will be to our reaction and decide if it's worth it. I know I have spent a lot of time rolling my eyes and laughing at someone we will call Captain Crazy of the SS Melodrama (hey, you need a little humor to get through this garbage!).
In the early stages, I most certainly "took the bait" from CC. When you do this, you are usually justified, but it opens the door for the abuser to then frame a response to make you look "crazy" or "dramatic". One recent favorite was when I was communicating through my attorney and CC asserted there was not a certain legal document in place limiting his contact with me, but that he didn't want "any drama". My attorney called me and practically shrieked, "I'm holding it in my hand! Does he really think it doesn't exist?!" I said, "Welcome to my life."
So after almost 5 years of this bullshit, here's the conclusion I have come to:
1. As a free citizen of my country, I have civil rights.
2. I deserve to live free from harassment, stalking, threats, fear, intentional economic obliteration and stress-induced illness...and so do my children.
3. I will assert my civil rights in the same context I would assert them if this were a stranger pulling this crap.
4. When I am attacked, threatened, or faced with yet again another punitive and ridiculous court action, I won't come back with a "reasoned response"...I will come back with total force. Why? Because this is the only language these people understand.
If you believe this has been an easy evolution for me, you would be completely wrong. I am the most peace-loving, non-confrontational person you could imagine without being a total Milquetoast. However, as with any bully, until you fight back against them, they will continue their childish bully ways. I declared my independence from this bully years ago and, in the interest of trying to "work together for the sake of the children", did everything possible to keep things calm. Didn't work. For my trouble, I ended up losing the life and financial stability I had built for my daughters and me...the ones CC moved away from in 2009 and never returned.
Yes, I want you to heal. I want you to understand what happened to you and why. Then, I want you to get determined. You have rights.
Start by asking yourself, "If this behavior was coming from a total stranger or a person I casually know, would it be acceptable? Would it be legal?" If the answer is no, then I want you to learn the laws where you live and take action. Don't take no for an answer. (Hint: When I finally did this, I ended up with a report that is still pending for a felony charge with a 2 year statute of limitations, and an active FBI file since all these acts were committed across state lines.)
Above all, don't threaten to do this. Don't say, "If you don't stop, I am going to the police." Just amass your documentation and do it.
Helping you find your voice,
AC
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